The Beer Poet

So when I get home and someone asks me . . . "What’s
the A.T. like? Do you think that I would like it?"
(My answer)
Well if you like being hungry all the time and you don’t mind being
soaked when its raining or being soaked with sweat when its not
raining, and you enjoy having crotch rot and jock itch and battered
feet black and blue until you walk like you have broken feet and
you’re hip with the idea of being completely filthy and you like the
smell of your own stench and body odor, and you like the smell of
other peoples shit and urine. Do you enjoy beating your ankles and
knees daily? Are you thrilled by being eaten alive by mosquitoes,
black flies, and ticks, or do you find bee stings and rattlesnakes
just simply enthralling? Then you might be ready to face the fourteen
days of nothing but rain and the shelters with mice that eat the
earplugs right out of your ears so you can hear the dumb-ass
weekender snore even louder. Do you love carrying a ton of weight on
your back until your hips are deformed and raw and your backbone
feels like a chainsaw blade burnt into the muscles between your
shoulders? Then you might consider the temporary life of nothing but
oatmeal and noodles day after day, after day, after day, after day,
while being surrounded by eccentric weirdoes who can talk about
nothing but miles, miles, miles, miles, miles, miles, miles. Do you
enjoy the simplicity of counting each step as it feels like jolt
after jolt of electricity into the soles of your feet? And if you
really like being looked at like you are some escaped convict,
maniac, transient by all the 'clean people' then you might not mind
wearing clothes that are so filthy and caked with dirt and mud that
your socks and shorts can not only stand by themselves but actually
move. Do you like to watch the skin of your feet peel off like a
daily shedding snake? Are you thrilled by the sight of your own blood
and mucus? And do you like to freeze one day then burn up the next or
enjoy falling face first into briars? If you don’t like sleep or rest
of any kind then you might not mind the seventy percent markup of
your twelve-thousandth can of tuna at some rip-off convenient store
that is a six-mile walk down a busy street from the trail. Are you
just tickled pink by finding out that you just walked two miles down
the wrong trail or in the wrong direction? Would you enjoy climbing
up to overlook after overlook to have a wonderful view of nothing but
the cloud that you’re standing in? If you are addicted to poison ivy
and any other unknown rashes, you might like to enjoy excruciating
pain in body parts that you never knew you had. Maybe you like to be
lied to by maps and bullshit signs and markers, or enjoy being
attacked by 'problem' bears, or maybe you like falling on sharp rocks
while struggling across loose ankle busters. Would you find that
chaffing is a wonderful way of reminding yourself that you still have
balls even though they fell like they are only attached by a single
string of torn skin, or you find that sucking gnats into your lungs
is simply a good 'gag' or find that a million spider webs across your
face is simply a neat invisible mask to you? If you love and enjoy
worrying whether the water you are drinking is going to make you shit
goose diarrhea all over yourself? Or if you really, really, really
worship the idea of having time to do nothing but walk over the worst
terrain in America then, YES!, I do say that you will really enjoy
the Appalachian Trail.
-The Beer Poet